“The King Of Old School”
Mark Force
1-1
ACT I
“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”
― Albert Einstein
We open to an enormous room with a large, board-room-style table in the middle. Seated around the table are Mark Force, Ryan Barrett (his manager? agent? lover?), and 2 representatives from GoDaddy.com (Dave and Melinda).Mark Force : This is a nice room, y’all. I could totally powerbomb some fools through this table. What floor are we on?
Dave : The 11th.
Mark Force : Hm...maybe I shouldn’t powerbomb nobody. I might accidentally bring this whole fucking place down. One time, in Mexico, I was main eventing against some Hector Gonzales-type....and this donkey was in my goddamn dressing room. I said : “Fuck you, donkey. Get out of my dressing room.” That’s when the fucking donkey revealed himself to be a spy from my opponent. I picked up the donkey, and powerbombed him so hard....the whole arena crumbled. Now, it’s Mexico, so...you couldn’t really tell the difference between a toppled stadium...and just regular fucking Mexican decor....but, it was a tragedy.
Ryan Barrett facepalms. He’d spent hours trying to get Mark some extra cash flow. A GoDaddy sponsorship would have been really helpful. Ryan gets ready to pack his things when the the GoDaddy people bust out laughing. Mark looks pleased. He sits back in his chair...victorious.Dave : I love it. That would be a perfect bit for our next commercial series. “Anything can happen”. People are tired of Danica Patrick, and we took a lot of bad press because of the SOPA controversy. We need a new fresh face, and while your face is neither new or fresh...actually, your face makes me want to punch toddlers. Your brand of comedy is perfect for us and our new ad campaign. You obviously have a ton of great ideas...
Mark Force : What the heck do you mean, comedy? I ain’t no comedian. I’m a wrestler. A darn good one at that.
Dave : (confused) Yes, and being a part of the campaign will be a tremendous boost to your career. You have these great stories that you tell, and you just deliver them with such passion...it really makes one believe it actually happened. It’s brilliant.
Mark Force : Hold up a second there, Mr GoDaddy. As I said. I’m not a comedian.
Dave : But...you just told a story about a horse, and throwing it into a building.
Mark Force : IT WAS A DONKEY, AND I POWERBOMBED HIM SO HARD THE BUILDING COLLAPSED!
Dave : That’s ridiculous. And untrue. I could go on the internet and I bet Id find NO mention of this anywhere.
Mark Force : What the fuck is the internet?
Dave : This meeting is over. Security will be here in 2 minutes to escort you out of the building.
The GoDaddy reps leave. Mark and Ryan sit in silence.Mark Force : Can you believe those 2 little knuckleheads?
Ryan Barrett : Dude. I worked my ass off for you. I really wanted this to work. You’re on your own. Fucking GoDaddy wanted to pay you a boatload of money to sell domain registrations for them. He calls you on your bullshit, and you flip out and ruin it.
Mark Force : I was this close to putting him in a cobra clutch, and choking him out. I held back because of how important this was. You should be thanking me. He called me a liar.
Ryan Barrett leaves. Security comes and escorts Mark to the sidewalk. He’s got no vehicle, so, he must walk home. On the way home he sees a flyer for the next USPW event. He pulls the Mark Force doll out of his pocket.Mark Force : Can you believe this shit? A 4-way match, and the winner gets a shot at the US Title in a ladder match? Damn. Did I ever tell you about the time I invented the ladder match?
Mark Force Doll : …
Mark Force : Okay, well....I’d never heard of the ladder match before. So, basically, I should still be given credit for the invention.
Mark Force Doll : …
Mark Force : To be honest, I don’t even know these other guys Im facing. Phantom. Mike C. AJ Johnson. Hmmm. Sounds like a bunch of nobodies. I bet GoDaddy never offered them billions of dollars to sell shit for them.
Mark Force Doll : …
Mark Force : ...Shut up. I like your internet idea though. WHere the heck am I gonna get some internet, though?
Right on cue...they come across an internet cafe. Mark walks in and talks to the barista.
Mark Force : Yea. I need … like... some internet. Im facing this guy, Phantom...and I don’t know anything about him. My brother told me to look him up on the internet.
Barista : There are some computers over there. You must comply with the firewall settings, and accept the agreement before using the machine.
Mark Force : I don’t want a goddamn computer...I need some internet.
Barista : The internet is on the computer. Click the little E with the circle around it, and type in what you’re looking for.
Mark just glares at the little punk before walking away and sitting in front of a computer. He touches the screen with the little E button, like the barista said. Nothing happens. He gives the middle finger to the barista.Mark Force : Piece of shit. Doesnt even know what hes talking about.
Mark looks to his left where a young book looks on inquisitively.Boy : Do you need some help?
Mark Force : Im trying to look up some information about my opponent, Phantom. My brother told me to find him on the internet. And so I came here, and he puts me in front of a computer?
Boy : I....I don’t know what you just said.
Mark Force : My brain is too fantastical for your little brain. I just want some damn internet.
The boy comes over and opens up Google Chrome...because FUCK Internet Explorer.Boy : You want to look up Phantoms?
Mark Force : Yes.
THe boy does a google search for Phantoms. The wikipedia article for GHOST is the first result, and he clicks it.
Boy : Here’s everything you need to know about Phantoms.
Mark stares at the screen. Mark Force : Ghost? I gotta fight a fucking ghost? I don’t know how that is even physically possible. I’m gonna have to have a talk with Frankie Image.
Mark can barely read, so, he just sort of scrolls down through the images , and picks up on a few words.Mark Force : I don’t know what’s going on at all. (Mark puts the doll on the desk next to him). How is this supposed to help?!?
Mark clicks the back button and types in “Defeat Phantom” into google. He comes across a paranormal forum.Mark Force : Okay. I need some prayers. And purification. I’m gonna need a pastor and a psychic. Shit is about to get real! Phantom doesn’t know what he’s in for! If Id known about the internet, Id have been doing this for years. Its like....a damn blueprint on how to beat my opponent. As a man of god, I've always got a preacher handy. And...I dont know what the hell "purification" is...but, Im sure we can figure it out. Phantom will be an easy target.
Everyone in the cafe is shush’ing Mark. He gives them the finger. The barista comes over and tells him to quiet down or risk getting kicked out.
Mark Force : Heck...while I’m here...lemme internet some more of these punk asses in my match.
He searches for “Defeat AJ Johnson” and finds some youtube clips of AJ Johnson promos.Mark Force : Well. This was certainly less helpful than the last guy. Perhaps he’s just not famous enough to get his own entry on this internet thingy. That’s cool, though. As a seasoned veteran in the ring , I don’t need to watch tape. I don’t need to train. So, I don’t. People may call me fat, out of shape, overweight, or “that creepy guy who is always staring at me the window”....but, that doesn’t affect me in the slightest. I don’t go home, and cry into my pillow for hours and hours.
Mark Force Doll : …
Mark Force : Shut up! AJ Johnson, Phantom, Mike C...they’re all just names who you won’t remember in the years to come. Mark Force...the King Of Old School....will be forever remembered. YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE THAT!
Mark stands up and smashes the computer!
Boy : Who were you talking to?
Mark Force : No one, kid. Now, gimme some Skittles.
The boy hands him a few yellow Skittles.
Mark Force : Thanks , kid. Now...tell me where I can find Mike C.
Boy : What’s a Mike C?
Mark Force : Internet his name. He’s a guy Im facing next week.
Boy : You want me to google him?
Mark Force : Ew. Gross.
Boy : (types into computer) Okay...I have an address for Mike Callfield. Ill print it.
Mark takes the paper, and then smashes the printer, and then all the computers in the place. He lets out an evil laugh. Before leaving he stops...
Mark Force : (pointing to the boy) Thanks for them Skittles. MIKE C! I’M COMING FOR YOU!
The patrons of the cafe look confused, and the barista looks angry as he cleans up the mess.Barista : (whispering to himself) Someday, Mark Force. Someday. Your ass will be mine.