Post by Oxford College Dropouts on Aug 16, 2012 9:10:15 GMT -6
We join our intrepid heroes as they stumble out of a Taxi, or cab, as they are known in America, in the centre of the Capitol of the United States, Washington DC. Charles Harvard Alexander Valentine, the blonde haired, blue eyed heir to the Valentine fortune steps out first. The sun is shining and he squints his eyes while he pulls sunglasses out of his black pin striped, versace suit pocket and places them over his eyes. He looks back over his shoulder and speaks in a Queens English accent
Valentine: Arthur, pay the man would you?
In contrast to Charles' smart attire and crisp, unbroken English accent, Arthur Bell-Wood clambers out of the other side of the Taxi....sorry...cab, in a much poorer state of dress. He is wearing a grey tracksuit and a red baseball cap over his black hair (which appears matted t his head0. Arthur is clearly bigger than Charles, and has the physique of a Rugby player underneath his baggy "sweats". He fumbles around in his right trouser (damn - pants) pocket for a note. Pulling out only English money, he searches his left pocket, finds a crumpled fifty dollar bill and hands it over to the driver, apologetically.
Bell-Wood: Sorry...sorry, that's the smallest note I have, sorry.
The driver starts to gather Arthur's change together while Charles Valentine in the foreground stretches out his arms and lets out a yawn. The driver hands over Arthur's change all in coins and shrugs an apology as if to say "well, it's your fault you gave me a fifty". Amazing how all that could be inferred from one shrug of the shoulders, really. Arthur pockets the change and clinks and clanks his way round to the boot of the taxi. Opening the boot, he begins to unload several pieces of luggage and putting them on the pavement...sorry...SIDEWALK...next to Charles. (I will get the hang of this English to American translation thing - I promise avid readers). It is clear that not all the luggage belongs to Arthur.
Valentine: Well, here we are Arthur. America. The land of the free. The home of the brave! Washington DC. And look...
Charles gestures in front of him while Arthur continues unloading and depositing luggage.
Valentine: A four seasons. I would not have it any other way. Come on Arthur, chop chop.
Arthur scrambles the holdall from the taxi, slams the boot shut and the car roars away, leaving him with a mouth full of dust.
Bell-Wood: But....do we have a reservation?
Valentine turns around and again holds his arms out wide.
Valentine: Of course not. I'm heir to the Valentine fortune. I do not need a reservation.
Arthur shakes his head as Charles turns around and begins walking up the steps into the hotel reception area. Arthur is left at the roadside with all the bags. He starts to scramble them all together as the camera switches to Charles Harvard Alexander Valentine entering the reception. He stops briefly to take his sun glasses off and slot them back into his suit pocket, locates the front desk and then makes a beeline for it. He is immediately greeted by a blonde haired member of the Washington Four Seasons team. Charles glances at her name badge, conveniently located above her left breast (quite perky since you asked). The young girls name appears to be Alice.
Alice: Good day Sir, welcome to the Washington Four Seasons Hotel, how can I help you today?
Valentine: Good afternoon Alice. My friend and I have a reservation for today. Just checking in.
Alice: Certainly sir, may I take the name the reservation was placed under?
Charles looks nervously left and right, as if he is waiting for something. He then speaks really slowly.
Valentine: Under the name VAL-EN-TINE. Would you like me to spell that for you?
Alice: No sir.
A few taps later and Alice shakes her head.
Alice: I am sorry Mr. Valentine, I don't appear to have a reservation for you. Would you like me to book you a room for tonight?
Valentine: Erm....
Alice: Our cheapest room available tonight is $214.
Valentine: Um.....
Alice: Would you like me to go ahead and book that for you?
At that moment Arthur approaches the desk, looking like a badly played game of buckaroo. He has all the bags hanging from him in several directions. He drops several on the floor with an audible "huff".
Valentine: Alice, are you spelling that right...V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E?
Alice: I'll check again, sir, one moment.
Charles leans over and whispers to Arthur. It's the type of whisper that is held at normal level of conversation so that we can hear, but for some reason the person not able to hear it can't. Wierd that. Anyway...
Valentine: Come on Arthur...tappy tappy.
Bell-Wood: No Charles. Not again.
Through gritted teeth, Charles says it again.
Valentine: Come on
Alice lifts her head up from the screen and shakes her head.
Alice: No Mr. Valentine, I am sorry. I can't find anything. Is the $214 room okay, Sir? It does include breakfast.
Arthur drops his bag as Valentine shakes his head and "umms" and "ahhs" over whether he wants to part with $214 for a room. Bell-Wood quickly locates his laptop bag, pulls out a laptop and sits down on the luggage and starts tapping away. Within seconds, he closes the lid on the laptop and coughs as he stands up. He nods, with somewhat of a disappointed look on his face.
Valentine: I'm sorry Alice, please could you try one more time. It's under Charles Harvard Alexander Valentine.
Alice: But Sir, I have checked twice already...
Charles holds up a hand and smiles.
Valentine: Please, Alice. One more time.
Alice sighs and does as she is asked. Two taps, and she looks up from the screen and looks back and forth at Charles and Arthur.
Alice: I am ever so sorry, Mr Valentine. You do have a reservation for a complimentary room. I am very, very sorry. Marcus...Marcus.
Alice shouts over to a bellboy, who comes rushing over. Alice finds a key and hands it to Marcus the Bellboy.
Alice: Marcus, please show Mr. Valentine and his friend to room 352. And please take their bags up.
Alice looks down at the bags.
Alice: Mr. Valentine, please feel free to leave those bags here. Marcus will bring them up to your room later. Have a nice day, Sir.
Valentine: Thank you very much, Alice. Arthur, shall we?
Arthur and Charles follow Marcus the bellboy to one of the elevators. Marcus looks suspiciously like Rob Schneider did as a bellboy in Home Alone 2 (call it a coincidence or a lack of imagination). Arthur Bell-Wood has his laptop bag with him. They all file into the elevator.
Bell-Wood: Why do you always make me do that?
Charles feigns innocence.
Valentine: I am sure I do not know what you are talking about.
Bell-Wood: Yes you do. That is exactly the thing that got us both expelled from Oxford University.
Charles lets out a fake laugh and puts his arm around Arthur's shoulders.
Valentine: Ixnay on the Oxfordnay.
Charles smiles awkwardly at Marcus the Bellboy. The lift stops and Marcus leads them out of the lift to their room. 352 at the Washington Four Seasons. He opens the door and shows the dynamic duo into the room. The room is large. It's very white, and just screams "I AM VERY CLEAN". With several rooms and a view over the Washington skyline, Charles just nods. Arthur is a little more impressed. Marcus stands by the door and holds his hands out for a tip.
Valentine: Pay the man, Arthur.
Arthur, still jingling and jangling, walks over to the bellboy and gives him a handful of change. Marcus scampers off as Bell-Wood closes the door behind him, takes his red baseball hat off and places it on a hook on the back of the door. Charles Valentine meanwhile waltzes over to a small table with two chairs either side, looking out over the city. Charles flops down into one of the chairs. Arthur follows, laptop bag still around his shoulder.
Valentine: Well, here we are Arthur. Two years training, and we're finally in the United States of America.
Arthur joins him at the table, sitting opposite.
Valentine: Two years of the best training money can buy. This Friday marks our debut in USPW. Who are our opponents again...Labia? Labrats?
Bell-Wood: Labyrinth.
Valentine: Ah yes. Labyrinth, that's right. Have we any information on them?
Arthur grabs the laptop out of his bag, places it on the table and opens it up. A couple of taps, and he spins the computer around to face. Images of Cyanide Harvey, Grave Digger and Crysis Harvey.
Valentine: Okay, so we might have been kicked out out of Oxford University, but my maths isn't all that bad. I'm counting three there.
Arthur spins the laptop back around and taps the keyboard. He then spins it back to Charles.
Bell-Wood: we are facing these two. Grave Digger and Cyanide Harvey.
Valentine: Hmmmmmm. Have you done any more research on them?
Bell-Wood: Of course I have. Ran their names through a few systems. Got all their vitals, inside leg measurements, credit checks. You name it, I got it.
Valentine: Interesting. Credit check, anything we can poke fun at?
Bell-Wood: I don't know about poking fun, but this guy, Grave Digger, has a disturbing line of credit with both a cemetary and a shovel manufacturer.
Valentine: Wow. Anyone would assume from that information that he likes to record some stereotypical wrestling promos where he closes with a picture of an open grave and tombstone or something equally depressing and cliche.
Bell-Wood: Indeed.
Valentine: So, what's the deal. What are we up against?
Bell-Wood: Well, Labyrinth are a trio. They are the six man tag team champions of USPW Freedom. Made up of the tag team champions, Your Poisonous Destruction and Grave Digger. However, on Friday we have 6'8" Cyanide Harvey, 6'10" Grave Digger on Friday night. It's safe to say we won't be doing much suplexing, but I think these guys aren't used to teaming up too often on their own.
Valentine: I wouldn't be so sure of that Arthur. Looking at all that leather, it looks like they team up together plenty, if you know what I mean.
Bell-Wood: I do know what you mean. But while these two are in the ring, it would not surprise me if we had to contend with third man interference from the guy they call Crysis Harvey.
Valentine: So, the odds are stacked against us this weekend, Arthur. But the odds have always been stacked against us...
Charles gets up to his feet looking out over the Washington skyline, proudly.
Valentine:...we were thrown out of Oxford for no reason, other than the fact that our faces didn't fit.
Bell-Wood: Actually....
Valentine: (louder)...we were forced to train to wrestle...in Sheffield, of all places...
Bell-Wood: Sheffield wasn't that bad...
Valentine: (even louder)...and we had to fly economy to get here. But we will overcome, Arthur. We will overcome. Because while we are Oxford College Dropouts, we are smarter than you.
Bell-Wood: Who are you talking to?
Charles snaps out of his semi-trance. He looks around.
Valentine: Ah...you've made a mess this time, Arthur.
Bell-Wood: What now?
Valentine: Yes, you might have got us a free room, but there's only one bed. Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon tonight?
Fade to a crimson-y, brown-y, orange-y colour. We'll call it vermilion or something.
Valentine: Arthur, pay the man would you?
In contrast to Charles' smart attire and crisp, unbroken English accent, Arthur Bell-Wood clambers out of the other side of the Taxi....sorry...cab, in a much poorer state of dress. He is wearing a grey tracksuit and a red baseball cap over his black hair (which appears matted t his head0. Arthur is clearly bigger than Charles, and has the physique of a Rugby player underneath his baggy "sweats". He fumbles around in his right trouser (damn - pants) pocket for a note. Pulling out only English money, he searches his left pocket, finds a crumpled fifty dollar bill and hands it over to the driver, apologetically.
Bell-Wood: Sorry...sorry, that's the smallest note I have, sorry.
The driver starts to gather Arthur's change together while Charles Valentine in the foreground stretches out his arms and lets out a yawn. The driver hands over Arthur's change all in coins and shrugs an apology as if to say "well, it's your fault you gave me a fifty". Amazing how all that could be inferred from one shrug of the shoulders, really. Arthur pockets the change and clinks and clanks his way round to the boot of the taxi. Opening the boot, he begins to unload several pieces of luggage and putting them on the pavement...sorry...SIDEWALK...next to Charles. (I will get the hang of this English to American translation thing - I promise avid readers). It is clear that not all the luggage belongs to Arthur.
Valentine: Well, here we are Arthur. America. The land of the free. The home of the brave! Washington DC. And look...
Charles gestures in front of him while Arthur continues unloading and depositing luggage.
Valentine: A four seasons. I would not have it any other way. Come on Arthur, chop chop.
Arthur scrambles the holdall from the taxi, slams the boot shut and the car roars away, leaving him with a mouth full of dust.
Bell-Wood: But....do we have a reservation?
Valentine turns around and again holds his arms out wide.
Valentine: Of course not. I'm heir to the Valentine fortune. I do not need a reservation.
Arthur shakes his head as Charles turns around and begins walking up the steps into the hotel reception area. Arthur is left at the roadside with all the bags. He starts to scramble them all together as the camera switches to Charles Harvard Alexander Valentine entering the reception. He stops briefly to take his sun glasses off and slot them back into his suit pocket, locates the front desk and then makes a beeline for it. He is immediately greeted by a blonde haired member of the Washington Four Seasons team. Charles glances at her name badge, conveniently located above her left breast (quite perky since you asked). The young girls name appears to be Alice.
Alice: Good day Sir, welcome to the Washington Four Seasons Hotel, how can I help you today?
Valentine: Good afternoon Alice. My friend and I have a reservation for today. Just checking in.
Alice: Certainly sir, may I take the name the reservation was placed under?
Charles looks nervously left and right, as if he is waiting for something. He then speaks really slowly.
Valentine: Under the name VAL-EN-TINE. Would you like me to spell that for you?
Alice: No sir.
A few taps later and Alice shakes her head.
Alice: I am sorry Mr. Valentine, I don't appear to have a reservation for you. Would you like me to book you a room for tonight?
Valentine: Erm....
Alice: Our cheapest room available tonight is $214.
Valentine: Um.....
Alice: Would you like me to go ahead and book that for you?
At that moment Arthur approaches the desk, looking like a badly played game of buckaroo. He has all the bags hanging from him in several directions. He drops several on the floor with an audible "huff".
Valentine: Alice, are you spelling that right...V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E?
Alice: I'll check again, sir, one moment.
Charles leans over and whispers to Arthur. It's the type of whisper that is held at normal level of conversation so that we can hear, but for some reason the person not able to hear it can't. Wierd that. Anyway...
Valentine: Come on Arthur...tappy tappy.
Bell-Wood: No Charles. Not again.
Through gritted teeth, Charles says it again.
Valentine: Come on
Alice lifts her head up from the screen and shakes her head.
Alice: No Mr. Valentine, I am sorry. I can't find anything. Is the $214 room okay, Sir? It does include breakfast.
Arthur drops his bag as Valentine shakes his head and "umms" and "ahhs" over whether he wants to part with $214 for a room. Bell-Wood quickly locates his laptop bag, pulls out a laptop and sits down on the luggage and starts tapping away. Within seconds, he closes the lid on the laptop and coughs as he stands up. He nods, with somewhat of a disappointed look on his face.
Valentine: I'm sorry Alice, please could you try one more time. It's under Charles Harvard Alexander Valentine.
Alice: But Sir, I have checked twice already...
Charles holds up a hand and smiles.
Valentine: Please, Alice. One more time.
Alice sighs and does as she is asked. Two taps, and she looks up from the screen and looks back and forth at Charles and Arthur.
Alice: I am ever so sorry, Mr Valentine. You do have a reservation for a complimentary room. I am very, very sorry. Marcus...Marcus.
Alice shouts over to a bellboy, who comes rushing over. Alice finds a key and hands it to Marcus the Bellboy.
Alice: Marcus, please show Mr. Valentine and his friend to room 352. And please take their bags up.
Alice looks down at the bags.
Alice: Mr. Valentine, please feel free to leave those bags here. Marcus will bring them up to your room later. Have a nice day, Sir.
Valentine: Thank you very much, Alice. Arthur, shall we?
Arthur and Charles follow Marcus the bellboy to one of the elevators. Marcus looks suspiciously like Rob Schneider did as a bellboy in Home Alone 2 (call it a coincidence or a lack of imagination). Arthur Bell-Wood has his laptop bag with him. They all file into the elevator.
Bell-Wood: Why do you always make me do that?
Charles feigns innocence.
Valentine: I am sure I do not know what you are talking about.
Bell-Wood: Yes you do. That is exactly the thing that got us both expelled from Oxford University.
Charles lets out a fake laugh and puts his arm around Arthur's shoulders.
Valentine: Ixnay on the Oxfordnay.
Charles smiles awkwardly at Marcus the Bellboy. The lift stops and Marcus leads them out of the lift to their room. 352 at the Washington Four Seasons. He opens the door and shows the dynamic duo into the room. The room is large. It's very white, and just screams "I AM VERY CLEAN". With several rooms and a view over the Washington skyline, Charles just nods. Arthur is a little more impressed. Marcus stands by the door and holds his hands out for a tip.
Valentine: Pay the man, Arthur.
Arthur, still jingling and jangling, walks over to the bellboy and gives him a handful of change. Marcus scampers off as Bell-Wood closes the door behind him, takes his red baseball hat off and places it on a hook on the back of the door. Charles Valentine meanwhile waltzes over to a small table with two chairs either side, looking out over the city. Charles flops down into one of the chairs. Arthur follows, laptop bag still around his shoulder.
Valentine: Well, here we are Arthur. Two years training, and we're finally in the United States of America.
Arthur joins him at the table, sitting opposite.
Valentine: Two years of the best training money can buy. This Friday marks our debut in USPW. Who are our opponents again...Labia? Labrats?
Bell-Wood: Labyrinth.
Valentine: Ah yes. Labyrinth, that's right. Have we any information on them?
Arthur grabs the laptop out of his bag, places it on the table and opens it up. A couple of taps, and he spins the computer around to face. Images of Cyanide Harvey, Grave Digger and Crysis Harvey.
Valentine: Okay, so we might have been kicked out out of Oxford University, but my maths isn't all that bad. I'm counting three there.
Arthur spins the laptop back around and taps the keyboard. He then spins it back to Charles.
Bell-Wood: we are facing these two. Grave Digger and Cyanide Harvey.
Valentine: Hmmmmmm. Have you done any more research on them?
Bell-Wood: Of course I have. Ran their names through a few systems. Got all their vitals, inside leg measurements, credit checks. You name it, I got it.
Valentine: Interesting. Credit check, anything we can poke fun at?
Bell-Wood: I don't know about poking fun, but this guy, Grave Digger, has a disturbing line of credit with both a cemetary and a shovel manufacturer.
Valentine: Wow. Anyone would assume from that information that he likes to record some stereotypical wrestling promos where he closes with a picture of an open grave and tombstone or something equally depressing and cliche.
Bell-Wood: Indeed.
Valentine: So, what's the deal. What are we up against?
Bell-Wood: Well, Labyrinth are a trio. They are the six man tag team champions of USPW Freedom. Made up of the tag team champions, Your Poisonous Destruction and Grave Digger. However, on Friday we have 6'8" Cyanide Harvey, 6'10" Grave Digger on Friday night. It's safe to say we won't be doing much suplexing, but I think these guys aren't used to teaming up too often on their own.
Valentine: I wouldn't be so sure of that Arthur. Looking at all that leather, it looks like they team up together plenty, if you know what I mean.
Bell-Wood: I do know what you mean. But while these two are in the ring, it would not surprise me if we had to contend with third man interference from the guy they call Crysis Harvey.
Valentine: So, the odds are stacked against us this weekend, Arthur. But the odds have always been stacked against us...
Charles gets up to his feet looking out over the Washington skyline, proudly.
Valentine:...we were thrown out of Oxford for no reason, other than the fact that our faces didn't fit.
Bell-Wood: Actually....
Valentine: (louder)...we were forced to train to wrestle...in Sheffield, of all places...
Bell-Wood: Sheffield wasn't that bad...
Valentine: (even louder)...and we had to fly economy to get here. But we will overcome, Arthur. We will overcome. Because while we are Oxford College Dropouts, we are smarter than you.
Bell-Wood: Who are you talking to?
Charles snaps out of his semi-trance. He looks around.
Valentine: Ah...you've made a mess this time, Arthur.
Bell-Wood: What now?
Valentine: Yes, you might have got us a free room, but there's only one bed. Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon tonight?
Fade to a crimson-y, brown-y, orange-y colour. We'll call it vermilion or something.
