Post by "Classy" Mike C on Sept 27, 2012 7:56:35 GMT -6
Normally I, the narrator, start Mike C's promos with something pithy. But this week he's right in front of the camera and wants to say something...
Mike C: You are all a pile of crap...
Well...I just wish I could have come up with something so witty, so succinct, so...Classy...
[Mike C frowns]
Sorry...I know he doesn't like that adjective being bandied around...
Mike C is clearly not a happy man. He's been back for three shows...one tag team loss, one win, one no contest due to the decimation of some worthless tool in a mask...and still he's not happy. What could be bothering the most prestigious, and best, superstar in USPW today...and ever?
[Mike C has now moved away from the camera, he's strolling around a dark room looking uncomfortable]
Mike C: Look at you all, you "USPW superstars". What is the point of you all being here? I mean, all I hear all week is the occasional "tweet" or a brief account of how you'll beat your next opponent? Please! Do you not remember Mark Force? Or Phantom? Or AJ Johnson? Christ, when I'm pining for competition from those last two you know its bad! Where is the attitude? Where is the soul? Where is the...originality?
Mike C seems genuinely broken, seriously pissed off and more than a little confused.
Mike C: You see...I came back to USPW because deep down I'm a good guy. I wanted to help out a company that had given me...well...not that much, but that's a moot point...a company that made so many...well, some...people happy and try to make it great. And what have I seen since? Mediocrity. Wall to wall to wall mediocrity. And you know what? I'm sick of you all getting plaudits. You are all pathetic. Every last man, from the chap pulling the curtains to the gimp holding the USPW World Heavyweight Championship...all pathetic. But don't worry. I am here, I am going to put things right.
When Mike C suggests something like that it normally means a cultural assault...
Mike C: I'm going to lay down a marker at "At All Cost". Firstly...this little "Battle Royal"...I'm going to win that. Sorry for the lack of depth but its true...I challenge any of you...ANY of you...to better me. Because lets face it...you are not better than me. You're not as tough...or intelligent...or witty...or valuable as I am. You're a bunch of chancers..."professional wrestlers" who wouldn't know professionalism or wrestling if it piledrove you into the canvas. I don't really want the US Title...I've won it once already, re-named it, re-branded it, re-invented it. If I win it...brilliant, I'll use it as part of my domination. But I'm not striving to hold it...I just want to make you all aware just how BAD you all are. What I want right now is the Global Championship...
Ahh the Global title...a belt held, apparently, by a Harvey. But who really knows...
Mike C: I don't really know who actually holds the Global Championship...
See...
Mike C: But I have a fair idea that its one of those lumbering Harvey Boyz. Cyanide...or Crysis...or Crappy...or Contemptible...whichever Harvey you are, I am going to beat you. I showed you last week, when I beat one of you up to high heaven, that there are people in this company who have equal contempt for inadequacy...but this week it will all be me. At All Costs I will show USPW the way forward, I will save this company...and you all will like it...or lump it...
...and, as per usual...wait for it...we fade to black...
Mike C: You are all a pile of crap...
Well...I just wish I could have come up with something so witty, so succinct, so...Classy...
[Mike C frowns]
Sorry...I know he doesn't like that adjective being bandied around...
Mike C is clearly not a happy man. He's been back for three shows...one tag team loss, one win, one no contest due to the decimation of some worthless tool in a mask...and still he's not happy. What could be bothering the most prestigious, and best, superstar in USPW today...and ever?
[Mike C has now moved away from the camera, he's strolling around a dark room looking uncomfortable]
Mike C: Look at you all, you "USPW superstars". What is the point of you all being here? I mean, all I hear all week is the occasional "tweet" or a brief account of how you'll beat your next opponent? Please! Do you not remember Mark Force? Or Phantom? Or AJ Johnson? Christ, when I'm pining for competition from those last two you know its bad! Where is the attitude? Where is the soul? Where is the...originality?
Mike C seems genuinely broken, seriously pissed off and more than a little confused.
Mike C: You see...I came back to USPW because deep down I'm a good guy. I wanted to help out a company that had given me...well...not that much, but that's a moot point...a company that made so many...well, some...people happy and try to make it great. And what have I seen since? Mediocrity. Wall to wall to wall mediocrity. And you know what? I'm sick of you all getting plaudits. You are all pathetic. Every last man, from the chap pulling the curtains to the gimp holding the USPW World Heavyweight Championship...all pathetic. But don't worry. I am here, I am going to put things right.
When Mike C suggests something like that it normally means a cultural assault...
Mike C: I'm going to lay down a marker at "At All Cost". Firstly...this little "Battle Royal"...I'm going to win that. Sorry for the lack of depth but its true...I challenge any of you...ANY of you...to better me. Because lets face it...you are not better than me. You're not as tough...or intelligent...or witty...or valuable as I am. You're a bunch of chancers..."professional wrestlers" who wouldn't know professionalism or wrestling if it piledrove you into the canvas. I don't really want the US Title...I've won it once already, re-named it, re-branded it, re-invented it. If I win it...brilliant, I'll use it as part of my domination. But I'm not striving to hold it...I just want to make you all aware just how BAD you all are. What I want right now is the Global Championship...
Ahh the Global title...a belt held, apparently, by a Harvey. But who really knows...
Mike C: I don't really know who actually holds the Global Championship...
See...
Mike C: But I have a fair idea that its one of those lumbering Harvey Boyz. Cyanide...or Crysis...or Crappy...or Contemptible...whichever Harvey you are, I am going to beat you. I showed you last week, when I beat one of you up to high heaven, that there are people in this company who have equal contempt for inadequacy...but this week it will all be me. At All Costs I will show USPW the way forward, I will save this company...and you all will like it...or lump it...
...and, as per usual...wait for it...we fade to black...